Since my first trip in 2004 Ryan and I have been trying to find ways to return to Jamaica. The first return was in November (2006) and now we are here again. We have been quite literally planning for these days and nights for 2 1/2 years and more specifically we have been planning to serve at the infirmary during week-long trips for the last year. It has been a good but also tiring process.
We've just completed 3 days at the infirmary and it has been an interesting experience, especially compared to our last trip. I think this is in part because the dynamics of our prior group were vastly different from the current group.
We are again 5 professionals with varied skills (but all sharing passionate hearts) except that this time we have included 5 students with every day-long visit. It is interesting to see how the different college students respond to their time at the infirmary. Some are immediately captivated and express a sense of "calling" to be there. One particular student came to the infirmary yesterday (Tuesday) and was blazing with a sense of injustice that others would live in such dire conditions.
He decided to work on house building today with the rest of the college student teams, but when the full Won by One student team came to visit the infirmary today for about 90 minutes, he immediately approached me as I worked on crafts with some of the women. He was beaming, so I asked him how the housebuilding had gone.
He shared that it had been fun, but he "knew where he belonged" and it was clear at that moment that he would be spending the remainder of his trip with us at the infirmary. It is encouraging and inspiring to see such ferocity and compassion in someone at the same time.
Personally, I have been struggling on this trip - realizing more about my selfish nature and realizing that a part of me wants to be needed by those at the infirmary. The moments where I saw Silvia walk on her own (using a newly donated walker) brought me to tears and it was in that same moment that I realized she would no longer use her "death grip" to cling to any of us in order to move around.
It was a scene of freedom for Silvia which made me feel elated. And yet at the same time a very dark part of my heart became afraid that this was could be one of the many first steps toward not being needed by these new friends. It was a feeling of devastation within my heart, and also a feeling of shame that I would somehow want people to be limited so that I could serve them. Could this really be a part of my heart?
It wasn't until this morning that I was reminded that friendship holds times of joy and sorrow, gain and loss. In friendship, you need a friend who can relate in a reciprocal way, not a donor who can network or fundraise on your behalf. So my friends at the infirmary still need me - simply because we are friends, and people need people. They may need some of the money and supplies I can get donated, but more importantly they need an advocate, a friend, someone to hold their hand in joy and in sadness. The joy of reuniting and the sadness of parting, which will happen very soon. Too soon.
I think my expectations for this trip have not matched reality - I anticipated that I would feel deeply moved during my time here as I have in the past - in a very positive way. And yet I have found myself frustrated much of the time. Stymied in some way which I find difficult to articulate.
I suppose a classic example of feeling at a loss or socially bewildered has just happened to me. Needing a break from the group and a moment to myself to simply reflect, I have took to our bedroom to write this blog post. All of the team and a ton of our Jamaican friends are out in the "courtyard" watching a movie on the big screen that Won by One has set up, using a digital projector to play the movie. It is a rare treat for the Jamaicans to see a movie on the big screen so the night has drawn a big crowd.
Just moments ago I needed to run out to say hello to our Won by One driver and give him a gift I had brought with me for his help in taking me to the airport next week. I peered into the courtyard after we spoke and saw an older woman who I had met back in 2004. She was difficult to talk to then - a woman of few words, and those few words were often tinted with a bit of bluntness which I always find hard to deal with.
As I peered into the courtyard she saw me from the aisle and waved at me to come over, looking excited. The person sitting next to her had just gotten up and left the empty popcorn bowl in the seat next to her, and from the way she motioned as well as what I *thought* she said, I went around to sit in the newly vacated seat. I was a little too quick to take this greeting as a gesture for me to join her, even though we had sat next to one another during the movie we watched during our November trip.
As I bent down to sit on the bench next to her, she raised the popcorn bowl and said - "get more popcorn." So I took the bowl, shaking my head in disbelief and allowed someone else to take it back out the crowd. I'm a little spent emotionally it seems (AND I didn't sleep well last night) so I decided that was enough for one night and returned to the computer and empty bedroom.
Sometimes we don't get to be everybody's friend, just their popcorn-getter. To everything there is a season. I guess I will just ride through this season and look forward to the next.
We still have 2 days left at the infirmary and I think that things will slow down a bit for me tomorrow and Friday. Tomorrow I plan to relax a bit more, enjoy making cards with my friends, visit with Pearl, and relax in the sense of light, freedom, and proximity to Christ that I feel when I am at the infirmary. It seems paradoxical but it is what I now experience when I am there, among my friends.
Here are some photos from the trip:
New artwork Evelyn created with markers and paper we left with her in November 2006.
Crafts made by Infirmary residents using the art supplies we brought with us.
(Photo frames, greeting cards, crosses)
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