Am I really graduating?

I was telling Ryan last week that it doesn't "feel" like I am really going to put on a cap and gown, walk across a stage at HGSE, and receive a masters degree. It seems bizarre that I am going to graduate. Not to mention the fact that I am graduating from an elite institution. I never aspired to getting my masters degree, I certainly never aspired to attend Harvard. That's part of why this upcoming commencement feels kind of weird. But there is more to it as well.

The feeling that I have at the moment is that I have been taking 2 courses every term as a part of my job. As if it were a requirement of my job that I skip lunch breaks to attend classes, read countless pages at night after work, write long assignments and collaborate on projects. It seems like a nightmarish part of my job that is, for no apparent reason, coming to an end.
I think there are some obvious reason for this which have to do with ideas, expectations and assumptions on a social level. You see, everyone else I know who has a masters degree speaks fondly of those few years in grad school. Those years when they didn't have a dime to their name. It was a struggle, they will reflect poignantly, but then they share more about the great friends in their cohort and how down the road they networked with those same friends who helped them get stellar jobs in high profile positions. Ah, the glory years.
Anyone who has seen, spoken to, or heard about my "grad school experience" will know how vastly different these "glory years" have been. I have been working full time in a stressful job, trying to manage my course work, maintain existing friendships, and of course, pay attention to my husband.

The people that will walk across the stage with me are essentially strangers. I know a few names, fortunately, because last week I went to a grad student potluck. It seemed wise to introduce myself a few weeks before the term ended rather than as I was about to be handed my diploma. I hatched this plan with one of the other part-time students who shared a few classes with me last year. We went together which was great - safety in numbers, right? I can count on her to know my name and smile or clap when I cross the finish line. At least one graduate will know me, and I will know her too.

You see, between trying to keep my job, my husband, and staying current with friends, I have had little time for making new friends or networking. I have some money in my savings account that those other students probably don't have, (thank you Harvard for paying 90% of my tuition!!) but my struggle has been one that is emotional and relational. While those I graduate with have made financial sacrifices, I have made relational sacrifices. And I think that is a much higher "price" to pay. Sadly, it feels like a very high price to have paid, a debt that I hope will be quickly forgiven.

So, when people ask me whether I am excited about graduating, I am more excited that this hellish experience is over. In some ways I don't really feel that I need the cap and gown experience because, quite frankly, I didn't have the "grad school" experience. What I want the most is to feel like "me" again. I want to return to being the person that Ryan fell in love with before all of the stress, time, and anguish of grad school began. I want to feel like me again because it seems like a very long time ago that I wasn't consumed by books, articles, papers, classes, and stress.

I know that there is always a challenge in life, a struggle, a hurdle to jump. But I am really ready for this hurdle to be removed. I'd rather have a hurdle like "too much time on my hands" to contend with for a while. Maybe that will make me nostalgic for the days of grad school.

Nah. I doubt it.

I will go through the commencement ceremony in June, and I am sure that it will be really fun and rewarding. But I probably won't have that sense of loss or sad nostalgia the others will have about parting from this fun, rewarding time. I think I will be silently satisfied that it's over. I hope for that overwhelming excitement to reach me, perhaps it will. But I think that I will be happy that "it" is done, and now I can be a wife and friend who isn't preoccupied with school.

Ryan is, in so many ways, the only reason any of this accomplishment was even possible. I owe him much gratitude for his help, encouragement, and support. And of course a big thanks for all of the late night "treats" and early morning mochas he made when I was studying and writing for school. I could not have done this without him, or the mochas. Thank you my Love.